A Mother's Acceptance of Her Gay Son
07-29-2012
Click to view image It is still hard to talk about the issue of my son's coming out, of his telling me he is gay. He was a young man of 19 when he told me. Of course, I thought it was something I overlooked, that I could have somehow have avoided or changed. As a parent you go through a process, but one must keep in mind that we as parents are not the same, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to be there is only the being.
You go through the process thinking, was he abused? Is he confused because a girl turned him down? I really thought that he was confused, that he was depressed, heck I thought so many things that I cannot even begin to share. I actually went through a process of the timeline of his life, and never did I even once think that he was gay. You have a certain stereotype in your mind of what a gay person looks like and my son did not show me those signs. I had understanding but there were many more unanswered questions, and fears for my son.
It takes time to understand, to accept and to recreate in his many talents.
Not all parents react the same, perhaps I was more understanding, however his father was not. It took many years for him to accept the fact he was gay. To accept that the concept of gay may mean that his son will one day have a partner, was absolutely inconceivable. That, he was not about to accept.
For parents that are facing this "coming out" I know it is hard, but it is much more difficult for the person who is facing his parents shame and lack of understanding of why this happened.
For the one that is coming out, remember he/she has been dealing already with his own shame, why am I like this? Society doesn't accept me? In fact, my life could be in danger?
With the prospect of coming out many actually think of suicide, or moving away never to see the parents or family again. How would you feel if society would feel like that about you, the church that you have been born in does not accept you? You would feel like hiding in the closet for sure!
For the general population it is hard, but for some Hispanics, it is truly heart wrenching. I was not aware of that until I was invited to speak at a convention for LGBT individuals in Los Angeles many years ago. I had learned recently of my son's sexual preference, and spoke to all with all the love, compassion and respect that they deserve. Many came to me afterwards to share, most of them crying, that they have not seen their mother and father for years, because they know it would kill them. Others would share on how they tried to come out to their family, only to be ostracized and that they were pretty much dead to them.
How can anyone, reject another human being, in a mother's case, who you brought into the world? All I remember is his baby face, Eric's face when I first held him in my arms, the love I gave and that he gave back with his eyes. All the years that he was with me, within a family, and now because of his preference I have to be ashamed of him? Not on your life!
Coming out of a closet- what does it mean? A closet functions to either protect or suffocate someone in the concealment process. When a person emerges from the closet, they have to be strong enough to the different reactions they are going to receive. And remember, reactions are spontaneous expressions, they are not carefully thought out, and perhaps it comes out wrong, due to the surprise.
Now, if the person doesn't come out but is "outed" someone has invaded that safe space, it is a breach of his space and trust, and this causes that relationship to be somewhat diminished.
This can cause other behavioral problems. I would suggest that if you suspect that someone is gay, just be a friend, don't make jokes about gays, or lesbians, it is in bad taste.
But how does one move on to the stage of unconditional love?
There are several steps to this process:
Step 1 -Awareness
Don't dismiss your own feelings, in the process of awareness, become informed, write your concerns, be compassionate and be gentle with yourself. It is important to recognize that you will go through a process of grief, and you need someone with whom you can grieve with.
Where do you find consolation? There are many groups, such as PFLAG, of parents, friends of lesbians and gays that can help you thru this process.
It may represent a conflict within you between the Moral and social norms that one has accepted as self evident.
Step 2 - Denial & Isolation
You will go through a period of denial and isolation, this may be needed as buffer zones, to understand and it affords people the time and space needed to assimilate and discern the implications of the reality of this truth. With Hispanics, they tend to embrace this denial stage because it protects them from a reality that they are incapable or unwilling to put up with.
The questions that you as a parent must ask is from whom or from what do you seek "approval"? What do you most fear or hope for, in regards to your son or daughter?
Step 3 -Anger and Hurt
Feeling angry or hurt is often expressed because there is an inability to "control" a given person or situation. During this stage, the inability to express feelings and to listen to the truth of frustrates de communication process. During this stage, the feelings of anger and hurt are used to generate feelings of guilt shame and loathing in the child in the hopes that these may prevent the homosexual reality from manifesting itself fully in the parents and young man's life.
These manipulations are destructive and tend to make "victims" of everyone involved.
Step 4- Bargaining
Some parents turn to God, a priest or minister, a close friend or to therapy as a powerful assistance in difficult times. Just remember that it is important to listen to your son/daughter, tell their story.
Some responses from parents: If you love me you will....All I ask is that you behave like a man/woman in public. (again pushing shame)
Step 5- Sadness or Depression
Recognize your feelings of sadness and consider how you deal with your emotions. Check on your methods of dealing with these feeling do they empower you, nor not. It is important that there is a period of sadness and letting go.
Step 6- Acceptance
And this stage can take many forms, in many families. But ultimately it should be a stage where parents to give unconditional love, that you want for the gay son or daughter the same freedoms and rights as othr members of the family and society. The greatest value of Acceptance is that the family is finally free to be authentic, true and out of the closet.
Stage 7- Courage and Pride
Courage moves us from a passive state of intellectual ascent to an active state of solidarity, of standing with the marginailzed and oppressed.
I know that in this stage, I embrace the understanding of what compassion means and I truly have conducted a quiet but forceful campaign to the eradication of ignorance and the promotion of justice in regards to LGBTQ issues. I know that I am about to follow the tenets of solidarity and the promotion of unconditional love and reconciliation within my own family, friends and the listeners that day by day listen to me. They know that my son Eric is gay, they know how hard it is for many who are still in the closet, afraid of coming out, they know I believe that my son is blessed by my God, and I will continue to take this stand. A parent is expected to act with courage, to risk their own life in an effort to protect their sons and daughter from real or impending danger.
That I know I must do.
Dr. Isabel Gomez Bassols
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